Taking Control of Our Sex Lives

The following article, by Angela Hamblin, is reprinted from Spare Rib, a Women's Liberation Magazine, no. 104, Marcfi 1981, 27 Clerkenwell Close, London EC1, England.

 

 

 

 

"I've got four sisters and I've never really talked to any of them about sexuality. I've certainly never talked to them about orgasms and what they're like for them. In fact, I don't think I've ever really talked to any other woman about it — which, now I come to think about it, seems absolutely incredible... I wonder what other women feel... I really do... I'd love to know."

It's over ten years now since women in this country first began meeting together, in small consciousness-raising groups, to share and discuss our common experience as women. And yet, despite our greater freedom and openness with each other, many of us still find it difficult to talk about our own sexuality.

I know that for me this has been a particularly difficult area of my life to share with others and yet I have also found that if I do not share it I remain cut off from other women's experience; isolated in my own private struggles and conflicts. In an attempt to 'open things up' I asked a number of my women friends whether they would be prepared to talk to me about their sexuality. To my surprise and delight they all agreed and together we began to explore areas which were important to us.

What we discovered was that we had all individually been concerned to assert much greater control over our sex lives. We wanted to free ourselves from the limitations which patriarchal definitions had placed upon our sexuality. We wanted to discover more about our own bodies, responses and needs and to explore more open, less goal-oriented, forms of sexual pleasure.

We range, in age, from early twenties to early fifties and whilst some of us now relate sexually to women, others have become celibate or bisexual and some have chosen to remain in long term relationships with men. But whatever our current situations all of us, at some time in our lives, have had sexual relationships with men and it was issues around power and control within them which we most felt the need to challenge.

Questioning Old Assumptions

One of the first, and perhaps most basic, assumptions we questioned was about definitions of what 'sex' is. We were all agreed that the widely accepted belief that real sex is 'penetration — followed by penile thrusting — and orgasm' had been both oppressive to us as women and, in many cases, had actively restricted the development of our own autonomous sexuality.

"In the past fucking was always seen as the sexual activity... I objected to the way men related to parts of my body — seeing everything as a 'lead-up' to fucking."

When sex is defined in this way men embark upon a series of predetermined, goal-oriented steps designed as one woman put it "to get me ready for penetration". When we asked ourselves how far we felt we had determined what happened to us sexually it became clear that, within this definition of sex, there was little, if any, space or opportunity for us to find out what we wanted..

"When I think bacl< on it I didn't deternnine anything... guys would go through this complete routine: kissing; hand down your back; hand on your bosom; hand on your vulva (kissing you all the time); then inside you land straight into fucking. There was never any pause... I mean, I was never really given a chance... everything would follow on from what they did initially."

Within this definition of sex it is also assumed that if a woman expresses an interest in sex she is conveying her willingness to engage in sexual intercourse. This, of course, may not be the case at all. She may simply desire physical closeness; she may want an open-ended exploration; she may wish to express herself sexually but have no desire for sexual intercourse.

"There used to be an awful conflict when / wanted to stop the sex. I was made to feel that I had to justify it... it was as if there was an obligation to continue — like, once I'd started I couldn't then say "No"; I should have said "No" at the beginning... guys were entitled to sex and if he didn't get it he wouldn't go out with me... Now all that makes me feel so angry."

One of the effects of this, of course, is to limit the scope we have, as women, to express and explore our own sexuality.

"I used to be afraid of initiating sexual activity because once something started it very easily became out of my control and that's very much to do with penetration and male sexuality... I'm putting more emphasis now on if I do initiate things then I also have the right to stop them — any time I want to."

Many of us found we had not given sufficient weight to our own feelings and misgivings and had often dismissed them as our own hang-ups.

"I used to think that those little niggles I got in my head when I felt uncomfortable in sex were because I felt guilty... religious parents... sex taboo... that sort of thing. I don't think it's guilt anymore. I think it's very much to do with lack of control."

Refusing to comply with these expectations, we found, was one of the first steps in taking control back into our own hands. For many of us, the first step in breaking out of these conditioned patterns and responses was to refuse penetration.This was not always easy.

"I felt there was a lot of pressure on me to have penetration. I felt that as soon as there was any physical contact — that was the starting point which would eventually end up with penetration and male orgasm and that would be it."

 

 

 

 

For this woman listening to what her feelings were telling her, and talking about them with other women, played a crucial part in her decision to refuse penetration. Whilst for another woman the decision came as a direct response to her partner.

"When I first started refusing penetration it was because my partner confessed he was getting 'turned-on' by being 'rough' in intercourse — and that he was deliberately trying to hurt me. He was upset about discovering this about himself and I was sickened, calling a complete halt for a while."

The point at which a woman takes a stand and refuses to relate sexually on the basis of these old assumptoins is usually a time of crisis for the relationship.

"I made it clear to him that either things changed or I wouldleave. I remember this as a time of hideous turmoil in our lives,night after night of crying, shouting, arguing, wondering, tormentedby doubts: "Am I just a selfish bitch?" I never wouldhave managed without knowing other women were going through the same things."

It seemed that, in some ways, one of the hardest things was simply to make the men listen to what we were saying. All the time we found ourselves hitting up against their preconceived ideas of what sex is.

"It was really difficult and for a long time we were both incredibly confused... all the time he was hanging onto this 'norm' of sex... what sex means — right, sex means this — you know, penetration three times a week. There's so much pressure to believe this from people all around you — they're normal and we're not."

Some of the relationships did not survive this period of crisis,others came through it and grew stronger as a result.

"I know at first I said the same thing over and over again to B and he just didn't hear me and then eventually he did... he started to hear... but even now there are things he doesn't hear but I know in time he will... but I still feel very much at the forefront of making sexual changes and he's sort of tagging along behind."

When the men began to listen and accept responsibility for their own behaviour and the need to change, some sort of dialogue became possible. In some cases the woman had the active support and encouragement of her women friends whilst others struggled on alone.

Nevertheless we found it needed considerable time and struggle to transform our relationships from a sexuality-based-on-penetratlon to a more female-centred-sexuality. And where a longterm relationship existed, with already well established patterns of interaction, change could sometimes seem impossible. In these situations most women felt that a complete break from sex, often for quite long periods of time, was necessary in order to have the time and space to 'unlearn' the automatic pattern of male control and female compliance which, for many of us, had become so ingrained.

These periods of celibacy not only provided us with a breathing space within which we could begin to dismantle some of the long established destructive patterns, but also gave us the opportunity to discover more about ourselves and our own needs.

"I see celibacy in a very positive light — it's about finding out who I am and where I'm at — and it's very important to me at the moment."

We found also that, irrespective of the gender of our sex partner, periods of celibacy were necessary in order to maintain a sense of our own personal autonomy.

"I still do sometimes require periods of celibacy, to enable me to get back my own sense of sensual/sexual self apart from whoever I may have been sharing it with."

Getting to Know Ourselves

Masturbation was one important way in which we began to learn more about ourselves and our bodies and it was interesting to see how our feelings about it had changed over time and been influenced by feminism. Some of us, for instance, had always masturbated, often in a guilt-ridden and secretive way, whilst others had come to it much later in life as part of our own sexual self-discovery.

"I used to feel a lot of shame over masturbation and the remnants of it are still there — but what I feel much more now is that it's very important in terms of my own sexual autonomy — you know — if things go wrong in sex I can always pleasure myself — I'm not that dependent anymore — in fact, what I've been feeling recently is: 'How wonderful I am to be able to give myself so much pleasure'."

Some women described how they often felt 'distance' from their own experience during sex with a partner. "It's almost as though I'm standing back and watching," was how one woman described it. Yet when she masturbated she experienced herself quite differently.

Another woman saw this problem as originating in the fact that as women we have been conditioned to see ourselves through men's eyes and therefore perceive ourselves as objects in sex rather than being in tune with our own subjective experience. This can sometimes lead us to 'perform' both for our partners and for ourselves and one woman described how this had prevented her from having orgasms during intercourse.

 

 

 

 

"I was so busy performing - undulating and moaning and all that — that I wasn't concentrating enough on my own body. I was too attuned to my partner's experience of me to be able to get the simple motion, friction, timing and concentration I needed for orgasm. Learning not to perform with my husband, after so many years of dishonesty, was excruciatingly difficult and painful."

She felt that for her masturbation had played a crucial part in breaking this pattern, and helped her to be more directly in touch with her own experiences.

"I know this all sounds incredibly mechanical. That's because I find it difficult to talk about my own sexuality openly, honestly, straightforwardly; keep track of all the different levels of experience and analysis; and still make it come out remotely resembling what the lived sexuality is like. But now I masturbate more purposefully, learning about myself, my body, my fantasies — also getting to know my bodily sensations and what my body needs.

I learned that orgasms were not located in the deepest layers of my psyche, they were located in my clitoris. I learned that sometimes I need to squeeze my knees and legs togethed in order to come (I'd been doing that while wanking for years, but had been to shy to do it in front of a partner); I need to make the movements, their timing and pressure just right. I learned that sometimes I can let someone else 'give' me an orgasm, and sometimes I have to take it; what men call 'making love' is taking
an orgasm. If they can spend five minutes or five hours chugging away, so can I if I want to ."

The ability to give ourselves orgasm, when we wanted to, was important to us, particularly for those of us who, in the past, had been pre-orgasmic or 'faked' orgasm. In fact, asserting our right to orgasm sometimes became a major preoccupation.

"I was so firm on my right to orgasm. If he came before me, I'd send him out of the room so I could masturbate. He'd be standing outside with this blanket around him — everyone in the house must have wondered what on earth was going on — then I'd call out 'It's alright — you can come in now'."

Loving Women

One of the most important areas of change, we found, was our growing recognition of the importance and emotional depth of our relationships with other women. Sometimes this was expressed sexually.

"Sex with women seems more simple and straightforward, in some ways more safe and in some ways more dangerous. I like the feeling of equality with a woman, and also there are no rules, no ritualised steps to go through, everything is possible."

Yet sex with women seemed to bring with it its own problems, particularly, it seemed, fears about performance.

"I am often anxious beforehand about being able to give another woman orgasms, as well as general love and pleasure. I catch myself worrying about my performance and despise myself for that."

Another area which was disturbing was the extent to which we, too, have incorporated the idea of objectifying women's bodies.

"I feel I still, to some extent, carry around a male view of what sex 'is', i tend to have pornographic fantasies of women as objects of my sensual/sexual lusts."

 

 

 

 

Finding out What's Right for Us

One of the most valuable things to come out of this sharing of our experience was the realisation that there was no one way forward; no simple uniform solution. We were all actively engaged in reclaiming our own sexuality and taking control back into our own hands and yet the means by which each of us chose to do this remained diverse; reflecting our own individual personalities, herstories, past experiences, and current situations.

If the ways forward were diverse there was certainly unanimity about what it was we were leaving behind. We no longer accepted the 'old assumptions' about what sex is.

"I reject categories like foreplay, the sexual act, afterwards — because they assumed that 'real' sex means penetration and orgasm."

We were also no longer prepared to tolerate practices which in the past we may have unwillingly accepted in the belief that this constituted a 'fair' exchange or was some kind of 'open sexuality'. Being pressured into anal intercourse and oral sex with men was one of the things we found most objectionable

"In the end I completely turned off sex altogether, so now I simply refuse to do things I don't like."

We also rejected the more subtle forms of male control in which men have expropriated our orgasms in order to demonstrate either their own sexual skill or used them as 'evidence' of their own anti-sexism.

"A fair proportion of partners have been keen to use techniques other than penetration, although strangely, I have sometimes discouraged this. I think partly because some men have been so over keen to 'give' me an orgasm I have felt like a performing animal and 'turned off ."

None of us were now prepared to have sex with a man unless it was on our terms. This often involved apparently unrelated things like moving into our own rooms.

" "I will now only sleep with him in my bed, on my territory", said one woman. "It's strictly by invitation only", said another. "He has no 'rights' over my body and I don't fulfill any 'obligations'. It's surprising how many times we sleep together simply enjoying the closeness of each other's bodies without the need for anything more. But it's really important that we can each return to our own beds/own rooms/own space whenever we want. I know it certainly helps me to retain a sense of my own personal autonomy."

Sex on Our Terms

Changing the basis upon which we're prepared to have sexual relationships with men has meant not simply trying to find new techniques for increasing our sexual pleasure but changing the balance of power and control within the relationship itself. Many of us, for example, are now only prepared to have sex with men when we initiate it and never allow penetration unless it is something we actively desire.

"I basically need to feel and be in control of whether sexual activity takes place at all with a man, as well as in control of what goes on and what goes in when and where, especially when I am with my husband... If I feel he is manipulating me, trying to produce a sexual response in me for his ego gratification, or if he is trying to direct everything, or if he is unresponsive to my caresses, I get too angry and withdrawn to continue. I refuse to have alienated sex with him after all these years."

Once it had been firmly established between us and our partners that sexual intercourse did not have to be an essential part of heterosexual sexuality our feelings towards it began to change; since it was no longer obligatory we could now consider it simply as one of the options.

"So now what we're doing is — we're doing a lot of masturbation together... though sometimes I do enjoy penetration together... though sometimes I do enjoy penetration —
and it's weird — because now I've stopped having penetration every time I think more in terms of when I would enjoy which is really nice. I don't always have the choice to  have penetration because he may not feel the same — but often he does and I find I like penetration at certain times. One of them is just after my period's finished. I feel like having something inside my vagina — not in the whole of my vagina but just in the lower bit — like, round the opening and just inside — I like to have something there to grip."

 

 

 

 

Another wonfian described how her feelings about penetration had changed.

"I have changed my feelings about penetration in the last couple of years. I have come to see that there is more than one way to take something into you. I can penetrate a man or woman with my fingers, my tongue, my voice, my presence. I can make a man open and vulnerable to me. I can get orgasms before, during and after  penetration/absorption..."

And for yet another woman:

"Penetration has become a minor part of sex for both of us. When it does occur it is gentle, considerate and no longer something that has to be a performance.  Consequently, I find it physically acceptable and pleasurable... but really, what I prefer now is oral sex."

Some women felt that the whole of their sexuality still tended to be too 'goal-oriented' and they were wanting to move away from this and towards a more diffuse 'all-over' sensuality. One woman, who in her teenage years remembered having enjoyable sexual experiences which did not Involve sexual intercourse, wanted to get back in touch with the happy sensual feelings she had enjoyed at that time.

"The emphasis on orgasm is something I'm wanting to move away from now — having got penetration out of the way — I want to get on to moving away from orgasm. Because I feel that like penetration is the goal in normal sex, orgasm is as much — and I think that we lose out on things along the way. I almost feel as if I'm going back to my sexuality as it was when I was a teenager — feelings are coming back to me about sort of happily tinkering and playing around and sex seems more like a pleasant game rather than an intense activity, and I hope that will go on happening because it feels much nicer."

This desire to move away from orgasm, as the goal of sexuality was not shared by all of us and one woman expressed her concern about it.

"Something that worries me a bit about getting away from genital sex in our discussions about post- or anti-patriarchal sexuality, is that it was very important for me to realise that I could structure lovemaking around my own orgasm, that if I do whatever I need to do, or make sure that my partner does whatever I need her/him to do, I will have an orgasm... It only makes sense to me to talk of getting away from genital sex and orgasmic sex if it is clearly understood that this is not intended as a second-best compensation of the 'I don't care if I don't get orgasms with Horace, I just like the closeness' variety."

Although we may differ about whether we want to explore more 'diffuse kinds of sensuality' or 'restructure love-making around our own orgasms', on one thing we were all agreed — from now on whatever we choose to do, or not to do, will be determined by us alone. Our days of sexual servicing are over.

I would like to thank Astra, Debby, Jan, Margaret, Pat and Wendy for their help with this article.