Lesbian Motherhood

The special issues involved in lesbian parenting are described below in an article which appeared in Women (see bibliography immediately following article for address).

LESBIAN MOTHERING

by Lois, Baltimore

"The normal family in this society is composed of a mother, father, 2-4 children, a dog and a cat," (National Lawyers Guild, 1978), and, although single parents who become so through death or divorce are considered normal in some contexts, the lesbian mother is a contradiction who is not supposed to exist. In fact, however, she does exist : it is estimated that there are well over 1.5 million lesbian mothers in the USA.

Having established that there are a substantial number of lesbian mothers, is there a need for further discussion ? Don't the children of these parents progress through developmental stages just like the children of heterosexual parents? Logic would assume that such is true; however, society is not yet comfortable with alternative lifestyles, and judges ruling in custody cases typify society's homophobic reaction to lesbian mothers. Lesbian mothers are judged not on the quality of their parenting but on the basis of their sexuality. Thus, many custody cases decided in open court a re lost on the standard of the "best interests of the child ".

In cases where custody is granted to the mother, rights may be dependent upon adherence to restrictions. For example, in one situation, the mother won custody but was limited to seeing her lover only when the children were in school or visiting their father. Harsh restrictions are given even to the lesbian mother who loses her children but is granted visitation rights. Announced one judge granting such rights :

I may be prejudiced but I think homosexuality is an illness. I hope you're concerned enough about your kids not to kiss them on the lips, because everyone knows venereal disease is rampant among homosexuals. If the children ever find out that you are a lesbian and ask you about it, I want you to tell them that you are sick. If you refuse to do this, you can tell me now and you will never see them again {Mom's Apple Pie, 1978).

There are, undoubtedly, special issues involved in lesbian parenting — some challenges and some advantages.

Author, editor, and heterosexual mother Sidney Cornelia Callahan writes that a good parent basically protects and nurtures her child. Through providing this care, the parent
enjoys, entices, and encourages the child into life. Simultaneously, the good parent withdraws and separates from the child so that it can become independent and grow (Callahan, 1973). To ease such transitions throughout childhood, perhaps all children should have lesbian mothers : researchers comparing lesbians and heterosexual women have found that lesbians were more independent, resilient, reserved, self-sufficient and composed (Hopkins, 1969) and that they rated higher in self-confidence
(Thompson, McCandless, Strickland, 1971). One who is selfaware and self-assured would seem to be better able to nurture, care, and support while also letting go.

As in all families with children, lesbian mothers "worry when their children are sick and make endless peanut butter sandwiches" (Mahaney, 1978). Social worker Bernice Augenbraun adds that she knows of no problems unique to the lesbian mother except that she is constantly oppressed by the attitude of society (Augenbraun, 1977). This writer would venture to say that although lesbian mothering involves joys, sorrows, fears, worries, and limits similar to heterosexual mothering, some unique problems are

created because of society's a version to gay people in general and lesbian mothers in particular. From society's repressive attitude flows concern about whether children should be told of the lesbianism and about the reaction of children should the mother decide to live with her lover.

Whether to come out to their children and if so, the best time to do this is a worris some consideration for lesbian parents. Should the knowing child speak to some disapproving outsider, the mother may fac a custody suit. Conversely, if the child is told and simultaneously cautioned to keep her mother's lesbianism a secret from significant others such as the father or grandparents, a rather heavy burden is laid on the child. Family and marriage counselor Betty Berzon avers that disclosure by t he mother is an act of faith in her children (Berzon, 1978). The voices of lesbian mothers must again give us clues :

I came out to my ten-year-old son in the context of a relationship with someone he really cared about. And I kept wondering, is he really as cool about this as he seems ? A few months " later we were visiting my parents and he tried to intervene with them for me. He came out of the room throwing his hands up and saying, "I tried to talk with them, but they are totally unreasonable." (Sandford, 1978).

As the gay liberation movement becomes more active and gains more rights for its members, social agencies and the courts will
need to become more knowledgeable about lesbian mothers and their families clinically and legally as mothers fight for custody rights.

Lesbian mothers and their children are currently threatened with being separated because of the sexual preference of the mother; it is in the interests of social agencies and courts to initiate studies concerning lesbian parenting and the physical, emotional, and psychological development of their children.

Research studies should assess the sexual identity and the adjustment of lack thereof of children raised by the lesbians sothat courts may realize the validity or falsity of their fears. Without such studies, our best resource may well be the children themselves :

My name is Lisa. I am 7 years old. Soon mommy has to go court cause my daddy wants my brother and me to live with him. He says it's because mommy's gay. That's stupid. Gay mommys are the same as any other one. Well my mommy is my best friend. We do every thing together. We talk, sing, play. Some of my friends mommyjust cook and clean house. My mom really loves us and we don't want to live with daddy. We love him too but mommy is spesal to us. Some people are afraid of lesbians but other people are afraid of dentists too. It's silly. Mommy's friends are nice a n d happy and they make mommy happy too. If I have to live with daddy I will cry and run back to my mom. She will cry too 1 think. The end. (Mom's Apple Pie, 1979)

LESBIAN PARENTING

I prefer to use the word parenting because we do not mother in the traditional sense. I'm not taking the mother role, and she is not taking the father role; it is very egalitarian. There is no consistency about which things she does, or which things I do, with the children. I believe that in that sense our children are learning
how to live a better way. They see us cooperate; they see us disagreeing; and they see us being loving and concerned with each other They are learning how to get along without automatic kinds of roles and responses. They are learning more about creatively solving problems. Basically, I think our lesbian family has added rather than detracted from their lives by showing them a positive way of relating to other people, a way of giving and sharing, anda way of being whole. Our relationship is a living
example of how two people can join the strengths they have to create a loving environment. And isn't that the best definition of family ?

From :

The Mothers' Book. Shared Experiences Ronnie Fried land and Carol Kort, eds. Houghton Mifflin Company % Boston, U S A

A collection of personal essays by more than 60 women exploring the emotional aspects of motherhood, sharing their intimate feelings about the many faceted experience of being a mother. We hear from all kinds of mothers : one who is happy at home and one who decided to leave her children, foster mothers, teenage mothers, mothers of retarded children, a mother of a child with cancer, a lesbian mother. This book offers a realistic picture of what motherhood is like. Recommended.

A SELECTED BIOGRAPHY ON LESBIAN MOTHERING

Rocking the Cradie — Lesbian Mothers: A challenge In famliy living Gillian Hans come and Jackie Forster Sheba Feminist Publishers 488 Kingsland Road
London E8 4 AE England

Interviews with lesbian mothers. Lesbian motherhood seen as a rejection of patriarchy, not of individual men. Argues for more tolerance, legal changes, more flexible families, jobs, women's economic independence, etc. Shows some lesbians' experience of AID, legal and custody battles and their feelings about lesbianism and motherhood.

"Lesbian Mother" Women : A Journal of Liberation 4 (Winter 1974): 23 3028 Greenmount Ave. Baltimore, MD 21218 USA

Berzon Betty. "Sharing Your Lesbian Identity With Your Children : A Case for Openness" in Our Right to Love : A Lesbian Resource Bool(, pp. 69-74. Edited by Ginny Vida. Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey: Prentice-Hall, Inc., 1978.

Sanford, Wendy C. "Parents Who Are Gay" in Ourselves Our Children : A Book By and For Parents, pp. 173-177. Edited by the Boston Women's Health Book Collective. New York: Random House, 1978

Lesbian Motherhood

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