Disabled Women

The following is a letter from a handicapped woman, published in Spare Rib, July 1982, under the title simply of "Frances". We felt it is so direct and frank, presenting clearly the issues of sexuality for disabled women.

Frances

I didn't know quite how much pain I still had in the area of my sexuality until I tried to respond to your questionnaire. I certainly can't go through answering the questions; it just doesn't feel as if they're about me. I don't think the questionnaire is at fault; it's to do with my feeling isolated from the 'normal' sexual scene. So all I can do is write about my experience of sex and relationships.

My isolation from the scene began as a teenager when I couldn't wear fashionable clothes because the shape of the clothes and the shape of me and my caliper simply didn't go together. I was not anyway seen as a sexual being by my peers of either sex. In case I hadn't got the message, one girl used to taunt me mercilessly every Monday morning in front of the whole class (I think I was 16 by then). She would 'entertain' the others by pointing out the contrast of her dancing, boyfriend- full, sports car type weekends, and my 'at home' ones.

Well, my first real boy-friend was tall, dark and handsome! I was quite openly asked how / had managed to land him. This was my first sexual relationship and we stayed together for three years. The sex wasn't too great but — it was sex! His mother did try to put him off 'marrying a cripple' but in fact it was me who ended the relationship because we'd simply grown apart.

At university I had just one brief sexual encounter (my only brief one ever): again, I suppose I was not seen to be in the sex stakes. I was often attracted to men who liked me, but they didn't make any sexual advances, and I was not yet at the stage where I could do the initiating.

When I was 23 I fell in love and began what turned out to be a seven year relationship. It was sexual from early on. I was very happy with our sex-life for the first couple of years, but I'm sure it was spiced by the fact that we couldn't get together more than once every two or three weeks.

I couldn't then, nor can I now, get into any but about three positions for intercourse but at the time it didn't matter in the least, because we were happy. However, he had a brief affair, during which time he left me and it wasn't the same again. I know now that I was angry but the anger didn't surface then, it simply acted as a great turn-off. We tried a few things to remedy the situation but neither of us were confident enough about ourselves in relation to sex to get it sorted out properly. We did have intercourse, but it was rare; maybe once every couple of months and I got very little from it.

I once tried to use the only fantasy I've ever had about my sexuality but it didn't really help because he couldn't relate to it and I had a strong sense that it was based in some distress, so I couldn't feel good about it. It was a fantasy of sex-cum-torture, the essential element being that my legs were pinned out wide. It certainly was based in distress: when I was very small, I've learnt, I spent about four months in a plaster cast that kept my legs pinned out wide, and for most of that time I was in hospital.

I had no affairs during those seven years, but there was one occasion I met a man and 'we would-if-we-could-but' circumstances were against us! Still it boosted my sexual morale for a long time!

Recently I've been going through the old familiar trauma of being attracted to someone who is not attracted to me. In this case I don't think that my disability is the issue but every now and then the doubt haunts me. Anyway it's only being forced to work on all that that allows me to write even this lucidly and I am painfully aware that it lacks insight.

Just two more things I'd like to add. The first is that I can easily conceive of having a lesbian relationship, but I have no more confidence that women will construe me as a potential sexual partner, than that men will! The second is perhaps to reassure myself, perhaps to reassure readers... anyway it's the positive side of things! I have actually become much more in touch with my sexuality recently and enjoy lots about it. I am also becoming much clearer that I can convey my sexuality powerfully enough and positively enough for anyone to tune into . .. if they are at all open to it.

Resources

Images of Ourselves: Women with Disabilities Talking edited by Jo Campling Routledge and Kegan Paul London, UK. 1 9 8 1 .

Jo Campling presents here pieces that her friends have written about their situation as women with disabilities. This excerpt shows us what Elsa, one of these 25 women, says about her sexuality: "When I came to live with my lesbian mate I felt a bit absurd about being gay and disabled. With her I was at ease of course, but I felt self-conscious about meeting other lesbians. I thought they'd see me as non-sexual, they'd think ' how can she be gay like us'. When I was passing for heterosexual
it didn't occur t o me to think I'd be regarded as nonsexual — I think this is because I saw heterosexual women as sexually passive anyway, whereas I see lesbians as sexual equals."

Behinderte Liebe (handicapped love) Marlies Graf Film kollektio Zurich AG Joseph str. 106 Postfach CH-8031 Zurich Switzerland.

A film made by the Swiss film maker Marlies Graf together with the handicapped who tell about their lives in communes, in institutions, at work and with their lovers. The two hour film was shown in 1980 at the " Hofer Film teje". Available at the above address.