by Robert L. Allen and Paul Kivel

 Batterers need to be penalized for their actions, but the future safety of women and children depends on stopping the violence before it starts. Robert Allen and Paul Kivel discuss the work they do with boys and men in the Oakland Men's Project (OMP). Formed in 1979, this California-based group is a nonprofit, multiracial organization of men and women devoted to community education and eradicating male violence, racism and homophobia.

Why do men batter women? We have to discard the easy answers. Portraying batterers as ogres only serves to separate 'them' from 'us.' But men who batter and men who don't are not all that different. Male violence is normal in our society and vast numbers of men participate. Men batter because we have been trained to; because there are few social sanctions against it; because we live in a society where the exploitation of people with less social and personal power is acceptable. In a patriarchal society, boys are taught to accept violence as a manly response to real or imagined threats, but they get little training in negotiating intimate relationships. And all too many men believe that they have the right to control or expect certain behavior from 'their' women and children; many view difficulties in family relationships as a threat to their manhood, and they respond with violence.

Young people's definitions of femininity and masculinity often reflect rigid expectations of what they must live up to in order to be a 'real' woman or a 'real' man. Time and again we hear boys say that they are supposed to be tough, aggressive, in control, that they are not to express any feelings except anger, not to cry, and never to ask for help. And many boys expect girls to acquiesce to men and be dependent on them.

How do boys get these ideas about male identity and manhood? Often from parents, but our whole society contributes to the process. One of every six boys is sexually assaulted, and many, many more arc hit, yelled at, teased and goaded into fighting to prove they're tough. At the project, wc believe that many boys become convinced that they will be violated until they learn to use force to protect themselves. Then they move to take their pain and anger out on others the way older males have done to them.

In our work we often use role play as a way of getting at some of these issues. One particularly effective exercise involves a lO-year-old and his father: The lather arrives home from work and demands that the boy turn off the TV, then berates him for the mcssincss of his room. The boy tries to explain; the father tells him to shut up, to stop making excuses. Fueling the father's anger is the disappointment over the boy's school report card. The father shoves the report card in his son's face and demands to know why he got a 'D' in math. The boy says he did his best. The father tells him that he is stupid. The boy protests and begins to stand up. The father shoves him down, saying "Don't you dare get up in my face!" The boy is visibly upset and begins to cry. The father explodes: "Now what?You little mama's boy! You sissy! You make me sick. When are you going to grow up and start acting like a man?"

When we do this exercise in schools, it gets the boys' undivided attention because most have experienced being humiliated by an older male. Indeed, the power of this exercise is that it is so familiar. When asked what they learned from such encounters, the boys often say things like: A man is tough. A man is in control. A man doesn't cry. A man doesn't take crap.

We write the boy^' comments on a blackboard, draw a box around them. We label the box "Act Like a Man". We talk about how males in this culture are socialized to stay in the box. Eventually we ask: What happens if you step out of it, if you stop acting tough enough or man enough? Invariably we hear that you get called names like "fag," "queer," "mama's boy," "punk," "girl." Homophobia and fear of being identified with women are powerful messages boys get from an early age, and they are expected to fight to prove that they're tough and not gay—that they're in the box.

Exercises like the father/son interchange help us examine how the male sex role often sets men up to be dominating, controlling and abusive. We ask: How safe is it to stay in the "Act Like a Man" box? Usually, most admit that it isn't safe, because boys and men continually challenge each other to prove that they're in the box. When a boy or man is challenged, he can prove he's a man either by fighting the challenger or by finding someone 'weaker'—a female or a more vulnerable male—to dominate. Hurting girls relieves any anxiety that we may not be tough enough and establishes our heterosexual credentials. It's both a sign of our interest (we're paying attention to them) and a symbol of our difference (we're in control).

Because we are taught that women are primarily sexual objects, this behavior seems perfectly natural. And many men come to believe that a woman is just another material possession. We initiate dates, pay for our time together, protect them on the streets and often marry them. We are trained to think that in return, girls should show their appreciation by taking care of us emotionally, putting their own concerns and interests aside, and putting out sexually.

This unspoken contract is one that many heterosexual men operate by, and it often leads to the assumption that women are our dumping grounds. If we've had a hard day at work, were embarrassed or humiliated by a boss— challenged in the box—the contract leads us to believe that we can take those feelings out on 'our' women, thus regaining our power. If we end up hitting her, then we have to blame her in order to deny our aggression and keep our self-esteem intact. So we say things like: She asked for it. She pushed my buttons. She deserved it.

Invariably it comes as a surprise to us that women don't meekly accept our violence. So we respond by minimizing and justifying our actions: I didn't mean it. You're too sensitive. That's the way guys are. It was just the heat of the moment.

In order to convince men to take responsibility for their own actions, we have to get them to talk about what they did, what they said, what they felt. Making the connection between how they have been trained and hurt and how they have learned to pass that pain on by hurting women or young people is essential.

We also use exercises we call 'standups' so that men can reflect on their experiences and behavior. We ask everyone to be silent, then pose a series of questions or statements and ask them to stand every time a question applies to them. For example, we may ask, Have you ever:

• wondered you were not tough enough?
• been called a wimp, queer, or fag?
• been told to 'act like a man?'
• been hit by an older man?
• been forced to fight?
• been physically injured and hid the pain?
• been sexually abused, or touched in a way you didn't like?
• used alcohol or drugs to hide your pain?
• felt like blowing yourself away?

Later in the workshops we ask. Have you ever:

• interrupted a woman by talking louder?
• made a comment in public about a woman's body?
• discussed a woman's body with another man?
• been told by a woman that she wanted more affection and less sex from you?
• used your voice or body to intimidate a woman?
• hit, slapped, shoved or pushed a woman?
• had sex with a woman when you knew she didn't want to?

Each participant is asked to look around and see other men standing, which helps break down their sense of isolation and feelings of shame. Since we arc not a therapy group, no one is questioned or confronted about his own experiences. All of our work involves challenging the notion that males are naturally abusive and that females are natural targets of male abuse. We give boys and men a way of analyzing social roles by drawing insights from their own experiences, and help them to recognize that social interactions involve making choices, that we can break free of old roles by supporting each other in choosing alternatives to violence.

Men are responsible for battery and for stopping male violence. If we are to counter the myth that men's abuse of women is natural, men must challenge each other to stop the violence.

An important part of our work is persuading men and boys to look at how power, inequality and the ability to do violence to others are structured into social relationships in this country. We discuss how these inequalities are maintained and how violence against one targeted group encourages violence against others. This is not to excuse men's behavior; it is done in the belief that in order to make better choices, men must understand the framework of power and violence that constantly pressures us to be in control and on top.

There are growing numbers of men critical of sexism. All too often they are isolated and fearful of raising their concerns with other men because they worry about being targeted for violence. We try to help them break through the fear and reach out to other men. But we also want the men to understand how they are damaged by sexism and how male violence against women keeps us from the collective action needed to confront racial, gender-based and economic injustice.

For us, this is powerful, life-changing work. We were each drawn to it because of troubling issues in our own lives: issues around our relationships with our fathers (one emotionally abusive, the other emotionally distant); relationships with women partners where we found ourselves repeating controlling, sexist behaviors that made us feel guilty, ashamed, defensive; and the fear that we might do to our children what had been done to us as children. Through our work, we have discovered that many men share these concerns, but they are hesitant to talk about this with other men. Sadly, we have all learned that 'real' men don't admit vulnerability. But despite their initial hesitation, many men are eager to talk about their lives, and to change the controlling and abusive behavior they've been trained to pass on. Doing this work is healing for us and for those we work with.

Men arc responsible for battery and for stopping male violence. If we are to counter the myth that men's abuse of women is natural, men must challenge each other to stop the violence. We must defy notions of manhood that lead us to injure or kill those we say wc love. We must confront male friends when we see them heading down the destructive path of domestic violence and urge them to get help. While it is critical that domestic violence cases be taken more seriously by the police and criminal justice system, it is equally important to examine and to change underlying social attitudes and practices that promote and excuse domestic violence. This is truly men's work.

(Robert L. Allen is a member of the board of directors of the Oakland Men's Project and senior editor of the journal The Black Scholar Paul Kivel is a cofounder of the project and author of Men's Work HcM lb Stop the Violence That 'fears Our Lives Apart.)

source: Ms., September-October 1994